Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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