ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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