"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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