Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
