I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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