my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
