I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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