I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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