God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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