I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
