Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It was confusing and full of hummus
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
FUCK WHALES
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
