Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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