Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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