I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
