he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
