just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
