Dude my mom stole all your condoms
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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