the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
