put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i wish my penis had a tongue
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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