i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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