I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
