So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
