I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
