Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
