I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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