so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
