I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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