For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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