just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
