everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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