Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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