Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
