ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
