Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
