The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
