it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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