Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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