Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
