your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
