I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
