4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
