hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
