What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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