For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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