you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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