I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
