he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
