Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
