Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
