I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
