Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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